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Summer Monday Number One - The Cover Story
October 2013
 
 
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Mon, May. 6th, 2002 08:54 pm
Summer Monday Number One

Editor's Note: This entry was accidentally "leaked" to the front page of my Journal, and therefore my friends list, before my backlog update was complete, and caused the confusion noted in the first few comments.

I went to work early again today. It was very stressful, as usual. After work Adam and I dropped by the bank, and then went to Tom's to watch the first three episodes of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by BBC on DVD. It was rather poorly done. In any event, we had a good time, and I got home reasonably early. I'm still trying to come to terms with the concept of Devan and Adam. Despite my previous statements to the contrary, it is becoming increasingly obvious to me I am not at all over Devan. Strange happenings, no doubt, seeing as we never even had a serious relationship. How could I have gotten so hung up? No longer do I even have the joy of the feelings of hopeless longing. The thought of her causes me nothing but pain anymore, a searing, stomach-wrenching illness that I cannot abide by. This cannot be healthy. I have hoped the sensation would pass by itself, but now it has been close on to nine months since the Event with the email, and I have not so much gotten better as much turned my obsession into some sort of brooding distaste for her. Perhaps this is a mental illness I should have examined. It does strike me as odd, though, that I have never had such feelings for any other person. Even in the depths of my attraction to Caroline, nothing remotely resembled this. The difference is not absolute; it is a matter of scale. For months I simultaneously longed for and feared Miss Parker, and now I find myself sliding into this cold hatred that I cannot pull out of, no matter how I try. I fear for my future relations, as she and Adam grow closer. I must resolve our conflicts somehow, but I cannot think of a way. I do not wish to speak with her, and by what I gather, she no more wants to speak with me. Perhaps speaking would not even help. I have often thought of asking Adam if he and she ever speak of me. In some ways I am very curious to know her take on our situation. Does she feel as I do, loathe at my very thought. Almost worse, I think, is the very real possibility that she simply does not care. I think that would be the hardest thing for me; to be so irrelevant. I would hurt me more than I could bear. I find myself inclined to imagine a confrontation between us, her and I. I wonder how it would go. I find her behavior impossible to predict, as usual, but I curiously find myself wondering as well what I would do. Would I be evasive as I tend to be when confronted, throwing my various round-about defenses up in an attempt to keep her from connecting anything of merit, and then minimizing her arguments if she does? Or would I come straight out as I have so few times before, laying my cards on the table, and telling her she has had far more of a socioemotional effect on my then any person in my life before? Would my overtaxed system finally give out and I would just become sick of nervousness and anxiety? I do not know. Perhaps I will never find out. I know little of Devan's relationship with Adam, but if or when it falls apart, Devan will have few ties remaining to me. Perhaps she will, at long last, pass off of my radar for the last time, and sink into my past with so many others I have resigned never to see again. Perhaps I was meant to be with her, and somewhere along the line fate threw an exception that was never caught; our paths diverged. The fact remains that I am in awe of the raw emotional power she wields over me, for reasons I cannot say. All those years of building emotional defenses, all those shields and barbs and deflections. All those comebacks, those attacks, those zings. So many layers I built around myself to protect myself from those who would attack me, and she cut through them without trying or caring. She lashed through and cut into me, and she does so again everytime she passes through my mind. Why am I so open to her, after all she has done? I do not know.

6CommentReply

taranhero
taranhero
Taran
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 08:34 am (UTC)

...Whoa.


ReplyThread
pezzonovante
pezzonovante
pezzonovante
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 09:15 am (UTC)

umm... the date on this post is 2002. But it's the most recent post on my friends page. Was this an intentional re-post of some sort?


ReplyThread
silverdragonma
silverdragonma
Daithi Dubh
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 10:04 am (UTC)
Interesting

Originally posted 2 days before I started at the same place of business. Very interesting Bronzite.


ReplyThread
petercooperjr
petercooperjr
Peter Cooper Jr.
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 10:11 am (UTC)

I am horribly confused.


ReplyThread
taranhero
taranhero
Taran
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 10:31 am (UTC)

I blame Past Power. Especially given bronzite's current away message.


ReplyThread Parent
sirroxton
sirroxton
Adam Augusta
Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004 10:20 am (UTC)

Going under the assumption that you released this private entry on purpose, I guess the question is, how do you feel about this stuff in retrospect?


ReplyThread