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The Rhetoric Objective - The Cover Story
October 2013
 
 
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Mon, Feb. 18th, 2002 12:11 am
The Rhetoric Objective

I do so despise Professors who do not post major assignments on the web. I am sitting here with an assignment sheet that tells me Writing Assignment #4 is due tomorrow, without telling me what Writing Assignment #4 is. I must have the handout somewhere, but I cleaned my room today, and I cannot find it. One more pothole on the road of life. Actually, it may well have ended up going through the wash. Either way, I will have to think of a mighty way out of this one. Well, I feel like writing at length tonight, so I think I'll write about what I've been thinking about as I drift off each night recently. Or, more accurately, what keeps me fron drifting off each night. I've thought a great deal about how I have wrecked most of the relationships I've had with the young women around me, and I'm trying to decide why. My latest encounters with Andrea seem to have gone well, but I have to keep myself in check. So lets take apart the background for a bit. Rachael was probably the first serious, or at least psuedo-serious relationship I've had. It also proved to be the most resilent. Rach and I stopped going out when she decided that she didn't care for the physical end of our relationship, although she still cared for me very much. For a very brief time I entertained the idea of a purely platonic romantic relationship, but it was obvious that I'd chaff under the strain, so Rachael and I went our seperate ways to find happiness elsewhere, although our relationship is still very good, and we still care deeply for each other. After Rachael came Irma. My relationship with Irma was always tenuous. I alternated between caring for her very much, and being repelled by her. Irma's very philosophy clashed with my own. Although I could not help liking her, her attitude and incapability to understand why I found certain things uncomfortable drove me away again and again. In many ways she was like the stereotypical wife figure, never allowing me to forget a mistake, never taking a point of view long enough or hard enough for me to argue intelligently with, and as a result, I began feeling very badly about myself when I was with her. To make matters worse, in the later stages of our relationship, I was slipping deeper and deeper into my infatuation with Devan. After three tries, I was finally able to put Irma behind me. With Irma out of the way, I immediately made a play for Devan, but I made a fool of myself and Devan did not speak to me again. For a few months I went rather catatonic romantically. I careened through school and work at breakneck speeds, and tried to focus on my work, but for what? My greatest objective had failed, and I could do nothing. At length, I came to the conclusion I should leave Devan alone altogether, as I had told her I would, and if she chose to reenter my life, I could work to salvage the relationship, or rebuild it anew. I knew my friends would say I had to take the initiative if I wanted to have another chance, especially with Devan, who was legendary for not actively seeking social enterprises. However, I could not bring myself to face the woman who had grown to almost mythic proportions in my mind's eye. With each passing day, my conviction grew stronger. And then I met Andrea. She was the first unknown girl in a long, long time to initiate a conversation with me of her own free will. My immediate reaction was too strong. Like a starving man presented with a piece of meat, I tried to swallow it without first chewing. I very nearly destroyed my relationship with Andrea that way, but I was determined to learn from the mistake I made with Devan. I worked hard, and I repaired the damage I had done. Then, slowly but surely, I began working back towards a romantic relationship with Andrea, by way of friendship first. The pressure to get along with Andrea was somewhat relieved when I finally started talking to Lonna at work. For months she occupied the desk in the corner, minding her own business. I opened a dialogue with her, and soon we were going to see movies and shows, and she was sharing in initimate detail her many and varied romantic conquests. However, Lonna had an accident that deprived her of her motor vehicle transportation, and we drifted apart. Eventually she left Checkerboard on medical leave and I haven't heard from her since. My lowest point was when I talked with Lonna. She was not particuarly interested in having romantic relationships, but had them anyways. I knew her when she was single, and she did not chose to make something of our relationship. Although intellectually I know there are a hundred reasons for that to be so, I cannot help but feel hopeless having such dismal failure with my romantic life. Sometimes I feel so lonely I could cry. Having collected all this data on my various successes and failures, I've tried to determine what drives me to risk my friendships on what seems to be a doomed mission. Currently, I think I just want to find somebody who will be proud of me. I toil and toil, but in terms of appreciation, I get little. I want somebody who will see what I'm doing, and tell me I'm not crazy for it. I want somebody who will look to me and tell me I'm good at what I do, and that I should keep doing it. I want to make somebody proud of me. I want to make somebody happy just by showing up. I want somebody to feel safe when they are near me. I suppose that last one is really the driving force, isn't it? I want somebody to acknowledge my power and influence, and I want to drive that power towards a goal. I want to hold somebody close and keep the world from reaching them. I want to provide a safe harbor for my special someone, and have them know that as long as I am with them, no harm will come to them. I want to protect somebody. But does anybody want my protection? So far, it seems not.

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